What would this guy do?

What would this guy do?
think that.

Wednesday, February 27, 2013

The Bachelor, Revisited

Due to the changing tides and the relative importance of a certain upcoming event, I will revisit the topic of America's favorite TV show... The Bachelor. We all know that the biggest day of our lives is around the corner. The day where Sean decides who he'd like to spend the rest of his life with. And by that I mean Sean decides who he wants to ceremoniously propose to and break up with in the subsequent months where he watches the show and realizes the monstrous embarrassment he's just made of his life.

Last week (this past Monday) we watched Sean embark on the journey known as "Fantasy Suites" AKA the night where he finally bangs all three of the women who are still left in the competition. The elimination following these dates typically reflects the performance of the three women in bed.

Woman called first: Total Freak.
Woman called second: Vanilla with promise for growth
Woman eliminated: Like a car repairman

And if we look at the results from this episode, it seems pretty accurate. Lindsey is about as dumb as an infant dolphin without eyes. Seriously, half the time it looks like she's 4 steps behind the words that are coming out of her mouth and she's slowly being sucked into a vortex of concepts she can't understand. And those concepts are probably very basic things like laundry, cable television, shaking hands, and waving goodbye. Lindsey is clearly not equipped to deal with real life. So she makes up for her lack of wit by being extremely naughty in the sack. You've seen that smug grin that Sean gets whenever he's with her. That's because he's remembering what she did to him while the cameras were turned away for a second. Call it love, call it whatever you want, Lindsey doesn't understand it anyway.

With Catherine we have slightly more intellectual ability. However, she wants so desperately to be typecast as the quirky, awkward and fun one that it just comes off as weird as FUCK. And not in the fun Jennifer Lawrence kind of way, but rather in the "Ohh poor girl, you just need to go take an LSD tablet and question your existence" way. She straight up told Sean that he gives her "the wiggles." I don't know about you but if any guy is giving me the wiggles, that probably means I've got some rare form of tapeworm. I don't want to be wiggling when I'm getting intimate. But like I mentioned before, Sean saw room for growth.

Ashlee. Oh lawd. The spelling of her name alone makes me want to vomit and then throw fecal matter at a group of senior citizens. But on the real, she wreaked of desperation stronger than a prostitute in a small Wisconsin suburb. She would cling to Sean and stare intensely into his eyes "I love you, we're getting married, we're having kids and YOU CAN NEVER LEAVE ME!" Then fangs emerged from her gums. No but seriously, he was clearly still thinking about Stupid Lindsey and her magical date. He was withdrawn and forced the entire time. But these girls are all in denial about the fact that their "boyfriend" is currently dating two other women and TELLING THEM HE COULD SEE HIMSELF MARRYING THEM TOO. Whatever, I'll deal with that point later. Fact of the matter is that Ashlee is too crazy to perform well at the fantasy suite. While crazy is sometimes freaky, I imagine her version of crazy would come across more in the manner of an elderly woman who hasn't been pleasured in years. Gross. Please get that image out of my head.

So he got rid of her, even though she cried in her personal message to her. (Which was actually hilarious.) Usually the sympathy card works with Sean but this week his sympathy had run dry along with the river in his loins (Ew, sorry couldn't resist.) It was actually a bit depressing to watch her leave. I half expected her to rampage in the limo and just start breaking shit. Sean had a hard time with it too: he straight up just sat on a bench for like 5 minutes before celebrating with his two sister wives.

Next week we get to see two hilarious events, over the span of 3 hours (kill me, thank the lawd for DVR.) First of all we get to see him creepily go on dates with two women and tell both of them that he's totally in love with them. I mean if I were them I'd immediately sense something wrong with that picture... Then again if I were them I'd also have severe mental problems that would beckon years of therapy and intense hormone replacement.

At the end of these grueling 3 hours... Sean will take the weird Garden of Eden alter. (Seriously why the FUCK did they need to make it so creepy looking.) Both girls will approach expecting to be proposed to. ONLY ONE will actually force him on his knee. At this point, I'm putting all my money on Stupid Lindsey. She's a "Southern Belle" and she'll condemn herself to a life shackled in bumhole Texas with this red-faced douche on a moments notice... For the cameras. Catherine doesn't seem well suited for such a country lyfe. She's probably thrive in a city where she could get wasted every night and proclaim her insecurities to random men at the bar. Either way, the couple will last about one week in REAL reality. (No cameras shoved up their private parts.) The excitement and the drama and the fun of being in the spotlight will fade, as will their "luv" for each other. Gag me now.

The moment of truth comes next week, I know you're all itchin to find out. I'm taking bets now. If anyone wants to go head to head with me on the Stupid Lindsey bet, bring it on. If you've already looked on Reality Steve or whatever other spoiler site then screw you. The bottom line is that we're all pathetic for actually watching, embrace it.


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